Tribute, Late and Insufficient

I am late, very late indeed in paying this tribute. It is about Mr Ziauddin Ahmed, my grandfather. If I start by his achievements, I would stop never. So, I better tell about his love for me.

At the age of 4, I left home with him for a 15 days trip, never missing my mother which was apt for any boy.

On his deathbed, he was telling me how important it is to get educated. Indeed for someone, who lost his father at the age of 3, he couldn't complete his formal education. But in my 30 years, I have seen very few, if not none, who can compete with his knowledge. He once told me that, he used to read from 10 pm to 3 am every night after handling his business day long. Finishing and recording 10 books in his mind tells all what kind of a thirst for knowledge he had.

I attended school very late for he believed he can teach better than those teachers. My academic records, if you have seen it, may certify his confidence was justified. It was him, with his unending dedication to education, told me to appear for my MBA interviews properly.

So many love stories end with death. I lost him when I was 24 and now I am 30. Never during my failures, my dark days, days when I feel I am living for no purpose, he fails to visit my dreams and tell me what to do, which direction to move.

I remember, when I passed my MBA from a reputed institute, few days later, he came in my dreams and said, I am so happy, but its time to go for PhD. I never went, I know my limited qualities and I am ashamed to meet him, even in my dreams. How I wish he was here, giving me confidence of doing the undo-able, like he did during the MBA entrance exam. I have lost my force, my way, my direction and my guide.

Now when my marriage is a failure and both of us considering divorce, when I am probably on the verge of losing my job, he just visited me today. He was sending me off to England, for three years, and hugged and cried, saying, what if I don't live enough, what if I die before you return, this might be our last meeting. And I was crying hugging him. Even death couldn't stop him from taking my care.

I am Indian, and I don't want to pretend to be something else, I don't believe in wearing the Peacock feathers to be a feather. If I am a crow, I am proudly so. Telling this because, once my grandfather, who never attended high school, pointed out 16 grammatical mistakes in a single leave application. The applicant was a girl with her master degree in English.  

Draft Redesigned

It is weird,strange and almost unbelievable the perception of myself I donate to some innocent souls. Perception, as the dictionary states(well, I checked dictionary to be sure that this is the correct word), is ¨apprehension by the bodily organs, or by the mind, of what is presented to them¨. What do I present to some friends and followers which made them claim like, you are a wiki (which certainly I am not except if wiki has changed meaning recently and means idiot now or immense sarcasm is used of which I am doubtful) or you have an idea of/answer to everything. Well, I dont deny it completely since I generally have exactly ¨an answer¨ to everything asked, and it is nothing else than ¨I dont know¨ or some variants of it.
It can prove one thing, as the cynic may point out, that I am surrounded by hypocrites.Why would they say it, I ask back, as I hardly am beneficial, financially or otherwise, for anybody. The cynic goes back silent or mutters something which arent for printing for sure.
The jealous enemy fills in the slot left vacant by cynic, and says, because you are among a bunch of idiots. I must protest against this derogatory comment against my elite group of followers ,who more often than not follows me because they want a good laugh, free of cost and gets it just by being near me and observing,and I do. How can you be alone correct and all my followers wrong? ohh I see, it is because they preferred me over you, isnt it mate? The silenced enemy retreats.
But how on earth I answer myself!! Why do I receive those comments? For one thing, have never, in any way whatsoever, tried to prove my superiority over my followers and most of my this inactivity or laziness arises from the deep rooted belief that I cant, even after my most sincere efforts, prove I am better than anybody in any aspect.
Well, as the last resort, I tried to ask one of my followers, who happened to be online, and I received, the answer as following(pasting from chat):
Rose: yes you are
Rose: discussion is over
Rose: hahahahaha
In a flash, finally I understood the greatest mystery which puzzled me since the inception of my relation with italki.
Thank you italki, thank you my followers, you are the best.

The Eternal Dilemma

It is often the eternal question, to be or not to be. The future holds the key and as we are as unsure of the future as any famous astrologer, we just don't know which way to take. The worst thing is to reach old age, know very well life is spent for once and all and regret making wrong choices. So powerful is this cycle that we never really get out of it.
 Whether to become a sportsman or an engineer? My heart wants to be a sportsperson, my father,with all his goodwill and desire, wants me to be an engineer. I can take one way really. What should I do? At the age of 65, should I regret being an engineer or being a sportsperson? this overwhelming question bogs us down. The indecisiveness takes over.
 There was a time when I used to think that there should be some unfulfilled desires, those only if make life so much more interesting. But now when I am standing on the verge of a decision which generally people takes only once in a lifetime, I am with this dilemma whether to push a bit more with positive hopes or to break free. Which will not make me regretful? I don't want to regret that I didn't try any more nor I want to regret that I tried all life in vain.
This indecisiveness has gripped me so strongly that I have stopped living a normal life, both sides are pulling me with equal strong forces. God, show me a way, I want to die as a happy man.